Album Review: Chris Rea - New Light Through Old Windows (1988)

Quite often I've found that when an artist who's been in the game for some time (say, 20-30 years) decides to re-record many of their greatest hits, sometimes in lieu of an actual compilation of the originals, the end result is a modernized, yet greatly improved version of the original. Two prominent examples of this are Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison. Johnny Cash re-recorded many of his classics, such as "Ring of Fire", "Folsom Prison Blues" and "I Walk The Line", whilst Roy Orbison redid classics such as "Oh, Pretty Woman", "Ooby Dooby" (which craps all over the original, to be frank) and the eye-wateringly beautiful and operatic "Crying", in which he duets with K.D. Lang. And often these 'remakes' bring out the potential in which these songs had possessed all along, but remained vested, perhaps in the haste to put an album out, the absence of more modern recording technology, or simply due to sub-standard production work.

Lesser known, but woefully underrated English singer-songwriter Chris Rea did an excellent job of remaking many of his classic songs, like "On The Beach" and "Let's Dance" on his 1988 album, New Light Through Old Windows. Throw in a couple of newbies, like "Driving Home for Christmas", and "Working On It", and you've got an album that really redefines the term, 'optimism.' It took me a good 5 or 6 years to really appreciate this album, which is due to my maturity as a music fan at the time at which I bought it. Now, as I write this review, I've found that I simply can't get enough of it, and after playing each song 10,000 or so times, I'm yet to show any signs of boredom. I hope after only 10 times that you'll feel exactly the same way. A+

Album Review: The Ramones - Rocket to Russia (1977)

In the past decade and a half, I've been at odds with modern rock music and its overall tendency to produce what I would call a 'cacophonic odyssey of noises.' But to call it that would be far too complimentary - I would best define it as being stale, boring, lazy, cheap and an insult to the great institute that is rock 'n' roll. I felt (and still feel) that the only sub-genre of rock that will save it is pop punk. OK, you may say it appeals to squealing little girls, particularly with the word 'pop' in it, but to be quite frank, I'd rather suck a lemon with a festering case of mouth ulcers than listen to some of that other cack that spews forth from the radio nowadays. Now, I'm not saying that it's all bad, but for the most part I would say that the recording industry's forte now lies with making frisbees, beer coasters and shaving mirrors, rather than the bona fide rock albums of old. The reason why modern punk sounds so darn good is it seems to stick to its roots better than, say, heavy metal. Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple sound worlds away from Sepultura, Probot, or Slipknot, but the Ramones' sound can be clearly heard in the music of bands like Green Day and Rancid, so much so it sticks out like an anorexic at fat camp.

In contrast to their first album, Rocket to Russia by the Ramones sounds a lot more like its modern pop punk descendants. Its injection of surf rock makes it sound like the Beach Boys to Ramones' The Beatles, whereas Ramones sounds a lot more like the English punk that would follow in its own pioneering wake. And musicological analysis and historical background aside, it's a corker of an album too. Songs like, "Rockaway Beach" and an interesting cover of "Surfin' Bird" make this quite obvious. Coupled with fantastic, uplifting 'feel-good about yourself' ballads like "Locket Love", "Do You Wanna Dance?" and "Cretin Hop", and quirky numbers about the reality of family life (for some anyway) like, "We're A Happy Family", you've got a classic album that everyone except for the deaf should own. The way I see it, this album doesn't just belong on your turntable, CD player or iPod, but the album cover itself should be worn on the front of a black t-shirt by government decree. It is that worthy. So, go out and buy it. A

Album Review: Bob Dylan - Blonde on Blonde (1966)

In my previous two reviews of Dylan's handiwork, I've lambasted both albums for being boring or being of poor quality. I now must admit, I was a bit too critical of both works, although I still hold to my opinion that they are some of his least inspiring efforts. But that doesn't mean I think badly of Bob Dylan. Of all the musicians who have improved drastically throughout their careers, Bob Dylan has to be number one. Why? Because when he first started out nearly 50 years ago, his songs, despite the beauty of the accompanying lyrics that make Dylan who he is, his ability to make music was clearly a work in progress. Today though, if you listen to Modern Times or Love and Theft, you can hear the difference experience has made for whom I respectfully regard as the poet laureate of folk rock. And so do professional critics. They are both classic albums, and some of his best work. Despite his advancing age, he's clearly shown he still has the magic.

1966's Blonde on Blonde is an album I all too often overlook. It's a mixed bag of fun songs, love songs, borderline sad songs, songs about getting stoned, songs about women, songs about hats, uplifting songs...OK, I'll shut up now, you get the message. Anyway, the beauty of this album lies partially in its diversity, partially in the acoustic delicacy of tracks like "4th Time Around" and "Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands", and in fun, uplifting songs like "Absolutely Sweet Marie", "I Want You" and "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35." And we can't skip stereotypical "Dylanesque" tracks like "Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again" and "Leopard Skin Pill-Box Hat." There truly is something for everyone on this album, and to demonstrate that I really have the maturity of a still born fetus, listen carefully to the last minute or so on "Rainy Day Women" and you'll hear someone in the background using the 'f' word. That's how fun this song really is. Overall, it is my opinion that anyone who considers themselves a music lover should own this album, for fear of having their house burnt down and their gonads sold for medicinal purposes. A

Album Review: Van Halen - Fair Warning (1981)

No great rock band is perfect, no doubt about it. Of course, they mostly release great albums, but amongst the discography titans lies some downright duds that either have one good song on them, or none at all. And what really makes them worse is the poor choice of album artwork, just to add injury to insult. People are still willing to fork out money to buy these albums, but of course, this is purely to elevate their status as a fan, not because the album compels them to jump up and down on their couches playing the air guitar with the apartment window wide open, so everyone in the real world can see them embarrass themselves.

Van Halen is one of those great rock bands, and is also one of my all time favorite and most inspirational bands, I'll make this quite clear. Albums like Van Halen, 1984 and 5150 are favored highly by both me and many music publications, for good reason. You have Eddie Van Halen, the legendary guitar hero who's dexterity and prowess with an ax wears the fretboard down faster than a woodpecker on speed. And you can't leave frontmen Diamond Dave and Sammy Hagar out of the picture either. Coming back to what I've said in the first paragraph, not all great bands consistently put out great albums. And Van Halen's Fair Warning from 1981 is an example of this. For starters, the album cover is a painting by Canadian artist William Kurelek, called, "The Maze." On a wall in an art gallery this might look good, but on an album cover it looks ghastly, like a homely-looking lunch lady from Romania with moles sprouting whiskers and teeth like a row of broken menhirs. And the layout artist could've chosen better typography for the band name too. Oh, and the rest of the album cover is poo brown, which looks really bad, even for 1981. Musically, things aren't quite as bad, but they could've been much better too, every song except for "Unchained" and possibly "One Foot Out the Door" are by Van Halen standards boring. Listen to this album once, and put it away, I say. B-

Album Review: Toni Childs - Union (1988)

Once upon a time, back in 1988, I was listening to the radio when I heard the sound of a singer with a voice like Barry White on helium. The song sounded pretty good, it had a nice melody, and so did the other two or so songs by the same artist that received airplay. For a while I thought it was a man singing these songs, but to my surprise, it wasn't. It was Toni Childs, a 'chick'. Now back then, for a lady to sound like a pro-wrestler that's just been Rochambeau-ed was a truly traumatic experience for a six year old aspiring music critic. Good thing I hadn't yet been exposed to Tracy Chapman, otherwise puberty would've come early that year, for sure.

But that voice would prove to be what I think is one of the most underrated in the industry, and if you've ever listened to Toni Childs' debut album, Union, you'd wholeheartedly agree. If you didn't, you should give up petrol sniffing and have your ears checked, because the poor sales record of this album (a pitiful 500k in the US, if I'm not mistaken) is a greater injustice than having all the starving third-world kiddies living off flies and ox dung. And the tracks say it all - radio favorites like "Don't Walk Away" and "Stop Your Fussin'" echo that distinctive "half-dropped teste" voice into the wild blue yonder, whilst "Hush" incrementally ups the emotive feedback with a pseudo-power ballad like imposition. Why this album failed to make any significant impact on the charts escapes me - it's all capitalism's fault this album garnered less praise than it truly deserves. Make no mistake, Toni's voice is distinct; it can take some getting used to, but you'll soon appreciate it for its identity and quality. A

Album Review: The Ramones - Ramones (1976)

As I've said 10,000 times before in my previous posts, I've developed an unexplainable infatuation with punk rock, 30 years after the rest of the world got sick of it and decided singing songs about Satan was a more pressing issue than getting rid of coppers, pollies, arguing that indecent exposure was perfectly decent, and that dope smoking and telling pensioners to sod off was none of the government's business. And some of the more conformist types will argue it's a bizarre genre in terms of it's social implications and impact on individuals - after all, these are people who buy their fashion accessories from pet stores. Even the cockatiels will take one look at their hairdos and wonder what they're doing out. But hey, I'm a man of liberty, I'll stand up for their right to wear dog collars, and their colorful hair is a refreshing change from the split-ended blond dos and salad-bowl haircuts that pepper the Auckland CBD.

Now, after listening to The Ramones' debut album, I've been suffering from a rather nasty case of psycho-motor agitation, it is that good I can't help but keep moving. This really is punk rock at it's finest, which makes a lot of natural sense, really. After all, they are regarded as being the very first punk rock band. Three chords and two minute length songs make for musical heaven for those with equally short attention spans. There is a notably consistent and comparable sound to many of these songs, such as in "Blitzkrieg Bop", "Judy is a Punk", and in "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" and "Loudmouth", which may be a problem if you have a tendency to get bored very quickly. But for me, it works out great. So much so that I'll probably starve to death by the time I'm through listening to them. Therefore, in concluding this review, if you want advice on what to buy if you're going through a punk-curious phase, may I suggest you buy this album. A-

Album Review: Phil Collins - Both Sides (1993)

Whenever I think of Phil Collins, I think of a musician who makes songs that, for the most part sound exactly the same as the others. I've heard people say that about Bruce Springsteen, but I tend to notice it a lot in Phil's solo work. Which some will hate, and others will loathe, but I can't help but appreciate Phil's apparent tendency to stick to a formula of sameness. It sounds great to me. Really. In fact, anything that deviated from this I will probably bin in great disgust and twice as angry as a Central Auckland bus driver on minimum wage with few dunny breaks doing a haka.

1993's Both Sides sounds like much of it's predecessors, such as ...But Seriously, except for the fact that apart from one song, "Everyday", it is twice as boring as a block of council flats. And to make things even worse, most of the songs are longer than the Great Wall of China, up to 7 minutes long in fact. Which is fine if it's a good song, or written by Jim Steinman, but given almost all songs have the charisma of a parliamentary backbencher, the only time you'll listen to the CD from start to finish is when you're asleep. I feel that "Every Day" really belongs on ...But Seriously, I can visualize it fitting in quite well with "Do You Remember?" and "Another Day in Paradise." Here, it sticks out like a pit bull amongst chihuahuas. B-

Album Review: The Strokes - Room on Fire (2003)

It has been my general opinion since 1997 that contemporary music has been getting progressively worse overall. My favorite radio station, which I liked because it played a balanced mixture of 80s music and (at that time) contemporary music, shut down and was replaced by a radio station catering for tweens and daddy's little teenage girls. The music they played was the crappy stuff, such as the Spice Girls and the Vengaboys, and everything else in between. If I'm being honest, I'd rather visit a nude beach than put up with Ginger Spice's acidic yodeling.

The Strokes aren't too bad by contemporary standards. They try their best, they have a largely positive image, and I like their album covers. I also like Albert Hammond Jr's name for some reason, it makes him sound like a veteran of the music industry, and hence a professional. By buying their 2003 record Room on Fire, you'll look at the album cover and instantly think '1970s.' But although it isn't a horrible album, there are notable flaws, one of them being the fact it doesn't sound 1970s at all, and the other is the tempos - they sound like they're having what their name implies, a stroke. "12:51", however is a fantastic song, and highly melodic, which as always I love. Record-mates "Between Love & Hate" and "The End Has No End", also make me want to live, but the rest simply get the 'meh' treatment from me. They're a bit like drinking Diet Sprite - you'll put up with it, but you'd much rather have the good stuff any day of the week. B

Album Review: The Police - Synchronicity (1983)

Reggae music, for me, holds the distinction of being one of the very few genres that actually sounds good naturally without forcing it to sound good. In fact, in order to make it sound bad you have to put effort into doing so. Its easy going nature, with its strong rhythm, laid back tempos and simple melodies, holds universal appreciation by followers of all music genres, not just Rastafarians, stoners, and confused bung-toothed whiteys in Bob Marley t-shirts. Mix it up with other forms of music, such as new wave and rock, and despite it's assimilation it will still manage to stand out like Wayne's World's Garth Algar at a Peter, Paul and Mary reunion special.

British pop rock band The Police built their success on their distinct reggae-infused pop rock numbers, like "So Lonely", "Walking on the Moon" and "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da." It worked fantastically well for them, even though they would eventually put out only five albums, it still managed to propel them to stardom. But toward the end of their recording career, this reggae influence would be dropped in favor of a more new wave orientated sound. Expecting fans to start a soccer riot outside A & M headquarters and an entire race scapegoated, the reception proved to be anything but hostile, and was received well enough to earn them a few Grammys for the effort. Looking at the album as a whole, it comes across as being slightly above average in terms of perceived greatness, but the general quality of the tracklisting also seems well balanced, with "Every Breath You Take", "King of Pain", "Synchronicity I & II", "Wrapped Around Your Finger", "O My G-d", having the appreciative qualities of Jagermeister and Red Bull, whilst others, such as "Mother", "Walking In Your Footsteps" and "Miss Gradenko" being comparable to drinking window cleaner.

So in conclusion, my advice to anyone would be simply be this; if you're 'buy-curious' about The Police, you might like this album, if you're a Police fan, you better have this album already. B+

Album Review: Pantera - Cowboys From Hell (1990)

When people think of Heavy Metal music, they think of a band of four bogans wearing ripped Levis, long hair, t-shirts with their band name on it, armed with Flying-Vs and angrily screaming out Satan-themed lyrics darker than a chubby Goth chick's ass-crack. And their fans aren't much different either; up there in the mosh pit, dressed in black and banging their long-haired bonces around like a pro-wrestler with 'roid rage strangling a mop to thrash classics like "Whiplash" by Metallica, or "Rattlehead" by Megadeth. And when it comes to being stereotyped by others, they're probably the most care-free group of people you'll ever come across. And that's why I like them.

Pantera is a classic example of this metal-head stereotype. Their music screams power, anger and control, yet it doesn't seem to influence anyone in any negative way whatsoever. Listen to "F***ing Hostile", and you won't find people going at each other doing the two-fist twist. In fact, you'll find them jumping up and down with smiles on their faces large enough to accommodate a banana, and trying to restrain themselves from hugging people around them in all the excitement.

And now down to the album in question - Cowboys from Hell. Technically not their debut, but it is often regarded as their first proper mainstream album as a groove metal band. And a great debut it is, I went nuts for this album the first time I heard it. Unlike it's successor Vulgar Display of Power, I didn't have to wean myself into listening to it, and it wasn't the acquired taste I felt "Vulgar" was. And the songs will testify to this; "Primate Concrete Sledge", in it's own display of power, will get the adrenaline flowing first time you hear it, and the legendary "Cemetery Gates" is a (n ironically) mellowed out 'death' ballad to help bring you back down from that winded up state. And the album finishes with the very awesome "The Art of Shredding", one of my all time favorites.

The rest of the album is very close to being on par with these songs, in terms of quality and consistency (you like one, you'll like the others), but considering I'm pressed for space I'll leave it up to you to decide whether this record is just the cat's ass (that's a good thing). For me though, it's one of the best. A

Dave's Favorite Bands of the Past Four Decades

A new year, and a new decade already, wow time really goes too fast! Which in a way is a good thing, because you skip crappy music eras at a much faster pace. But on the other hand, you appear to get older quicker, and therefore die quicker. Which sucks, because I'll never have enough time to sample all the music I want to hear, and there's never a shortage of it either. But never mind my chronological hypochondria, here is yet another favorites list...

1960s: The Beatles

Woefully predictable - you'd think I had no mind of my own when I say the Fab Four was the greatest band of the decade. But 300 million music critics can't be wrong, and you simply can't deny facts. Gimme "Hey Jude", "Rocky Raccoon", "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and "Octopus' Garden", and you won't hear one word of complaint from me...

1970s: The Ramones

I've always been a closet punk rock fan, and this'll squash anything that suggests otherwise. Simple three-chord rock 'n' roll that'll grow on you faster than a malignant neck growth in Hiroshima. From "Blitzkrieg Bop" to "Chain Saw", you'll want to pull your stereo apart just to solder the repeat button pins together...

1980s: Metallica

The eighties was my favorite decade, even though I was just a kid (which explains a lot today) I have more fond memories than I have brain cells. Most of the decade I spent listening to the likes of Bruce Springsteen, Phil Collins and Michael Jackson earlier on to Fine Young Cannibals and Milli Vanilli (of whom I'm deeply ashamed to admit) towards the later years. This is the decade in which my love of music developed. But it took another 15 flippin' years for me to get hooked on the legendary Metallica, whom in their prime were an unstoppable force of epic proportions. No other thrash metal band has, or ever will rival their eighties works, EVER. To discover this band for the first time is like discovering a cure for cancer.

1990s: Green Day

In terms of overall quality, Green Day comes out on tops in the 90s group. Stereotypically punk, their 1994 album Dookie is regarded as one of the era's best, getting them my personal thumbs up as the best act of the 90s.

2000's: The White Stripes

Listen to Elephant, and you'll hear that simplicity need not be boring. Two colors, two band members, and what do you get for your money? The greatest rock act of the noughties by far. How many acts of this era made Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of All Time list? Sweet diddly bugger all, and these guys are quite rightly one of them.

Album Review: Black Sabbath - Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973)

Back in the 70s, stoners would get together at a good friend's house, armed with nothing but a handful of tinnies, a selection of heavy metal and hard rock records, and a bong. They'd all sit on the floor next to the wood-trimmed stereo hi-fi system - state of the art for those days, and still the case if you live in a country who's minimum wage is three peanuts and one moldy persimmon a week. They would then put on Pink Floyd, and for the next 30 minutes giggle pointlessly and philosophize on random topics until they got so stoned they couldn't remember the next word that would come out of their mouth. One of them would then drink the bong water, change the record to Black Sabbath's Paranoid, and another would break three front teeth and chip another two after subsequently trying to eat it.

Black Sabbath's 1973 album Sabbath Bloody Sabbath certainly doesn't taste like plastic, and you certainly wouldn't want to consume it, but it is tasty nonetheless, especially if you have a diverse heavy metal palette on your musical tongue. Not their greatest album either, but certainly one you would be proud to say you owned. And two of the songs are so good Metallica fused them together and put them on their Garage Inc. album from 1998, with very favorable results. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath", the title track, is one of the greatest intro tracks to grace a metal album. "A National Acrobat" and "Sabbra Cadabra", the two tracks covered by Metallica, are forgotten classics that should be on any Sabbath playlist. or heavy metal playlist for that matter. "Fluff" is a delightful little acoustic number reminiscent of Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here", and "Who Are You?" is a pseudo-futuristic synth-heavy tune that despite the use of a synthesizer still avoids sounding out of place with the rest of the album. "Looking for Today" is the last and weakest track and would make the aforementioned stoner eat the record had it been the first track played.

All in all, this album is a notable one in the Black Sabbath discography that is often overlooked in favor of albums like Paranoid and their debut album Black Sabbath. But don't let that put you off listening to it. Try it, you'll like it. A-

Album Review: Bob Marley and The Wailers - Legend (1984)

"Greatest Hits" albums are some of the best things to come out of the music industry, in my opinion. If you're like me - broke and with an annual operating budget equivalent to that of Zimbabwe, or just tight as a fish's asshole with money, then one of these babies is a bargain. Or if you're reluctant to try new things because you don't know what they're going to be like, then again these suckers are right up your alley. But however, if you're constantly buying these types of albums and keep telling others 'so and so's latest best of compilation is just the cat's cornhole', then it probably gives them the impression you've got a music collection as great as the Rain Man's - very limited. And probably full of scratched records too, because Rain Man loves broken records.

However, were you to say Bob Marley & The Wailer's Legend is f***ing legendary in the middle of Kingston town, you'll instantly be elected prime minister and bathed in goat's milk, with a harem consisting of three toothless she-male prostitutes and the town bum. Because Bob was practically a national hero in Jamaica, and quite rightly so. Each song on this album with the exception of "I Shot The Sheriff" (Eric Clapton's version is better) brings out Marley's genius with the poetic proficiency of Lewis Carroll on the gravy stroke. Classics like "Buffalo Soldier", "Stir It Up" and "One Love" are guaranteed to turn your front lawn into a makeshift reggae festival, with lesser known (but just as good) tracks like "Waiting In Vain", "Exodus" and "Jamming" keeping your freeloading audience quiet. "Redemption Song" and "Get Up Stand Up" aren't so good as the others and will send some of them home faster than a psychopathic school principal with a bommy knocker who's forgotten to take his medication.

All up, this album is without a doubt the best hits compilation ever made. If you're a music snob, you should own this album. If you don't, you're not a music snob at all, in fact you know about as much about music as Helen Keller. A+

Album Review: Electric Light Orchestra - Discovery (1979)

Mixing classical music with rock and pop, in theory, is a horrible idea. It's like getting a neutered three-legged chihuahua belonging to a socialite to hump a feral Maine coon cat with epilepsy and a festering case of ringworm . They are completely two different genres of music on two opposite sides of the spectrum, they share little in common instrument wise, and the people who like them want the other party either jailed or euthanized. How could you possibly mix cellos and violins with the even lesser old-school stylings of Chuck Berry? Well, Chuck Berry came up with the song, recorded it, made it a hit, and 20 odd years later a Brummie band by the name of Electric Light Orchestra would go one step further and put the Beethoven back into "Roll Over Beethoven." And despite the threat of annihilating all matter in the known universe, it works out brilliantly.

Now, ELO's 1979 hit Discovery is a shining example of the musical genius of Jeff Lynne and Co. Some of the better known radio hits are on here: "Shine a Little Love", "The Diary of Horace Wimp", "Last Train to London" and "Don't Bring Me Down." And coupled with the likes of "Confusion" and "On the Run", make for a ideal starter album for the ELO-curious. It's not a A-grade album, somehow it fails to project that kind of aura, yet it's one that you would hastily retrieve if your house was burning down. Some of the tracks have that Beatle-like feel to it (Jeff Lynne being a major Beatles fanatic, apparently), in particular "The Diary of Horace Wimp", and overall it has that very British sound to it that makes ELO's music so fantastic. All up, it's as fun as a cheeky root in the park without a condom. B+

Album Review: Michael Jackson - Bad (1987)

Michael Jackson died a tragic death in a number of ways. Firstly, prior to his death, he'd become a recluse, accused of molesting children and being perceived as a freak, a stark contrast to his Thriller days. Secondly, after his death people were suddenly reminded of how great and how talented an entertainer he was, and sadly, it took his death for this irrefutable fact to come to light once again. The man is a genius, and anyone who says they can surpass him as an entertainer is either lying, or in need of a shrink or a firing squad. An estimated 100M+ sales of Thriller to date is clearly testament to this.

My first exposure to MJ came in the form of a song called Bad. I was five years old, it was 1987 and it was the best thing I ever heard. And it was another 8 frustrating years until I finally got my grubby paws on the album. It was my very first CD, and owning a copy of this fantastic album was, for me about as liberating as a hooker offering half-price specials to fat, bespectacled nerds at a Star Trek convention. It had consistency, melody and that superstar aura to it that made it stand out like facial hair on some street-trawling harlot from Budapest with more kids than teeth and halitosis that'll set off a geiger counter. And it sounds like pop, unlike it's predecessors, which were more disco, funk, and R&B orientated. And despite being taken down a peg by most critics, I still regard this album as a cracker of a record. A-

Album Review : Van Halen - Van Halen II (1979)

Van Halen's debut album was regarded by many as one of the greatest 'lightweight' metal albums ever released, and showcased Eddie Van Halen's talent with the electric ax as an example for future guitar legends to follow. Many a jaw dropped in sheer awe when rock music fantatics first heard his "Eruption" solo, and likewise, many balls dropped when guitar legend hopefuls first heard him shredding that guitar like a cat on catnip trying to tear the living room carpet a new one. Here was a band that made hyperactive, no frills and no 'questions asked' music that dared to try things that, had most bands being asked to do, would've have replied, "We're outta here, man." Take "Ice Cream Man', for example. What the hell does this have to do with heavy metal and hard rock?" you might ask. Well, absolutely nothing. But it demonstrates why Van Halen seems to get away with a lot of things. Their entire discography has seen three lead singers, they've put songs like "Happy Trails" on their albums, and their original (and again present) lead singer has allegedly been diagnosed with ADHD. Surely all this makes for one of the most interesting rock bands in history. And it does. It most certainly does. Van Halen sounds just as good regardless of whoever is behind the mike, be it David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, or even Gary Cherone.

Now, looking at Van Halen II, their second effort, the musical prowess of the original album seems absent or watered down, but despite lacking what made their first a success, it is in no way a bad album. They have made better, no doubt about that, but there are worse alternatives. Like Fair Warning, or sodomizing yourself with barbed wire dipped in iodine. Songs like, "You're No Good", "D.O.A", and "Dance the Night Away", are the ones to listen to. Sure, they sound like diluted cuts from their debut album, but even though they lack the same luster of Van Halen, they would still warrant a stabbing were you to give them the fast forward treatment. And if you like faster-than-light acoustic riffs, "Spanish Fly" is right up your alley. My verdict - you should own this album if you like Van Halen. B+

Album Review: The White Stripes - Elephant (2003)

The Ramones were made famous because of it, AC/DC gets away with it, and now, in the 21st Century, we have, once again, another act that makes musical simplicity sound cool. So simple, in fact, they only consist of only two members - a former husband and wife duo with a red, black and white color scheme as their image. They are known as The White Stripes, and as far as contemporary music goes they are the best thing since the invention of the zipper fly for the well hung. To me, this album is comparable to a Toyota Altezza (aka Lexus IS200) - it has the potential to be lethargically boring in all it's appeal, yet it has a mystical aura so profound, even the bed-ridden soldier from Johnny Got his Gun (or Metallica's "One" video) could appreciate it. Jack White is a modern day Bob Dylan; he can write a song with thought provoking lyrics and deliver the package with a catchy tune to boot, and this is particularly evident in songs like "Seven Nation Army", "Black Math", and "The Hardest Button to Button." "It's True That We Love One Another" is a pointless, yet fun 'sing-a-long' with an interpersonal twist, whilst their cover of "I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself" is well done but slow and slightly uninspiring. My verdict - buy this album, or be forever condemned as a nitwit. A

Album Review: Roxy Music - Avalon (1982)

Most music I listen to varies in appeal along a spectrum ranging anywhere between good and bad, but I've often found my view of Roxy Music's work, as well as that of Bryan Ferry's solo recordings, to be rather bipolar, in that one song may be as fun as sucking on an aspirin tablet coated with nail polish, and another will liberate your inhibitions and subsequently have you booked for disorderly conduct of some sort. It's very much a case of black and white, one and zero, yes or no. But the former is easily resolved with a press of the forward button on your music player, whereas the latter will have you wearing the reverse button out. For instance, "More than This" will bring a tear to your eye, with it's melodic, poetic beauty, whereas the silly-sounding, "These Foolish Things" will bring you down faster than elephant tranquilizer. It's either a work of genius or just a filler, and rarely will you say, 'yeah, I guess it's ok.'

Now, along with 10 million Roxy Music/Bryan Ferry greatest hits albums, I've owned a copy of 1982's Avalon since the industrial revolution and only recently have I been able to understand what makes this album so special, and why critics generally held this album in high esteem. When I first bought it all those moons ago I only liked three tracks, "More than This", "Avalon" and "True to Life" - the rest simply sucked, I thought. But going over them again, I can now see why it's on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Albums of all Time. The title, the album cover, and the songs all come together to produce a record with a part-nostalgic, part-artistic and part-genius aura to it. You might be thinking I was on drugs when I wrote this, but nothing could be further from the truth - it really has a certain quality to it that I can't put my finger on, and that's why I think it's simply a great album. A-

Album Review: Bob Dylan - Another Side of Bob Dylan (1964)

I really like Bob Dylan's music, don't get me wrong. He is a true legend, the best songwriter ever, and has worn some pretty out-of-it clothes throughout his career. But, like all other greats, he has his pitfalls, and sadly, this album is one of very few. And I'm going to be short and blunt about it. It is pretty much crap, and is one of Bob's worst works. But anyway, let's get down to business...

It terms of musical enjoyment, this album is up there with a colonoscopy, if you'll pardon the pun. It starts with a dreadful prepubescent cacophony called "All I Really Want to Do", which should end with "is return the record", and concludes with the worst song to ever grace a Greatest Hits compilation, "It Ain't Me, Babe." Most of the songs are boring, tedious and coma inducing, except for two notable exceptions - "Motorpsycho Nitemare", the most intelligent song on the album, and "My Back Passage...I mean Pages", which are only really useful for when you have little time left and you need to stretch things out a bit. And putting the track listing on the front cover is frankly a pathetic idea - it's like waddling into a classy uptown bar and trying to score sympathy sex by telling people you're dying of AIDS. Still, at least this album comes to an end, just like the colonoscopy. My verdict - two songs are ok, but overall this album is about as pointless as pubic hair. C-

Album Review: AC/DC - The Razors Edge (1990)

AC/DC is an extremely rare breed of band, in that not only did the band thrive after it's legendary lead singer carked it, subsequently throwing the band's future into jeopardy, but it also holds the accolade of being able to sound the same musically across it's entire discography - and get away with it. In fact, sticking a fork in the power socket is smarter than telling Young, Young & Johnson to come up with a new sound. But try telling it to them in front of their fans and some West Auckland mum's gonna be wearing your balls for earrings. Which would be a fitting statement really, given the nature of some of the band's material - Family Jewels, Ballbreaker, Got You by the Balls...all are appropriate to the occasion. Big Balls - not so much. On second thought, however, it would've taken plums for one to have had the cheek to propose the idea in the first place, so Big Balls is in there too.

Brian Johnson made his debut on 1980's breakthrough Back in Black, which would go on to sell 42 million+ copies and cement Johnson's image as the perfect replacement for Bon Scott. Sadly, most of the following albums didn't quite hold up as well, until 1990's The Razors Edge came onto the scene. It was brilliant; It had power, cheek, a tiny bit of wit, and plenty of screaming by Brian Johnson. His voice now sounded somewhat different to his previous works, and it sounded better - as if the boogieman had just castrated himself with a sledgehammer dipped in iodine and itching powder, or like Sammy Davis Jr. in Cannonball Run II where Dean Martin belts his knuckles with his shoe. Songs that got airplay, like "Thunderstruck", "Are You Ready" and of course, "Money Talks", are legendary, but set them aside for gems like "Shot of Love", "The Razors Edge" and "Fire Your Guns", because they are what make this album a must-have. My verdict: Buy this album, and stone anybody who dares suggest they create a new sound. A